We live in a world where we are called to stand up for ourselves and only do what makes us happy in the moment. If what we have committed to no longer fulfills us, we can freely give it up. In the same way, the world sees marriage as this arbitrary concept that has no binding on our lives. The Christian, on the other hand, has a guide and authority on how we are to live our lives, and that is, the word of God. We are not to follow the standards of the world and the culture around us. We are to uphold what God has commanded of us to live, which brings us to the topic at hand. Marriage is a biblical institution, in which a man and a woman come together as one flesh, that is crucial to our understanding of who God is; we need to know what the word commands of the married believer and whether we have the right to end this commitment through a divorce and remarry someone else. Marriage is a holy covenant made between a man and a woman joining together becoming one flesh in union with each other and with Christ.
Part 1: Marriage
In order to gain a biblical understanding of marriage, let’s start in Genesis in the Garden of Eden. Adam was the first man created by God and in Genesis chapter two, the lord says, “it is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18, English Standard Version). So, God brought out many animals before the man and had him name all of them and still there was not found a helper fit for him amongst all the creatures (Gen 2:20). This is where we saw God, taking from the rib of Adam, create woman and Adam said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.” (Gen 2:23). We know this to be the first instance of marriage because of verse 24 and 25 which reads, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen 2:24-25). This shows that marriage was instituted in the very beginning before the fall of man. Therefore, this is a relationship that matters to God. Some would say that marriage is a result of the fall when sin entered the world by Adam and Eve’s sin, but this is not true because from the very beginning God said, “It is not good that man should be alone” (Gen 2:18).
This idea of marriage was not something that simply went away at the fall of man, since Jesus in Matthew 19 referenced Genesis 2:24 as the standard for marriage. One thing that did happen with the fall is that marriage was cursed in a way that will forever change how we are able to see our spouse in marriage. In Gen. 3:16 we saw in the later half God said to women “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” (Gen 3:16). This line helps us to understand a few things about what marriage is like due to the fall. The contrast here shows that, because of the fall, there will be a power struggle that happen due to sin causing man and women to look at the design of complimentary roles (the headship of the husband in him being created first and given dominion over the earth, and then women being created as a helper for him) in a depraved and distorted nature. We can also see this same word for desire, תְּשׁוּקָה, is only used 3 times in the Old Testament and the next instance of it in Gen. 4:7 helps us to understand this sinful nature of a desire to rule and have control in a sinful way (“H8669 – tᵊšûqâ – Strong’s Hebrew lexicon (esv),” n.d.). Genesis 4:7 says “If you do what is right, won’t you be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.” Which brings to light the contrary nature of this desire and being ruled over.
Marriage is something that was in God’s design before the fall and because of that we would expect that there should be some rules to keep in order to keep this holy covenant. We see in Matthew 19 where Jesus is answering the question of whether it is lawful for someone to divorce his wife, which we will get into later, and he quotes Gen. 2:24-25 and ends with “6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matt 19:6). This gets right at the heart of marriage. God sees marriage as an unbreakable, inseparable bond that should not be separated since God has brought it together. Hebrews 13:4 says, “4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” (Heb 13:4). God’s heart for marriage is that it would be held sacred and honorable, to defile the marriage bed would be to commit adultery which is not only defilement of marriage but against the law of God and therefor is sin.
Finally, when it comes to how marriage should be held, Ephesians chapter 5 gives us a great example and understanding to live by in our marriages. Ephesians 5:22-33 talks about the roles of husband and wife in marriage. We see that wives are to submit to their husbands as their head which represents Christ headship over the church (Eph 5:22-24), and this shows the very nature of a Godly marriage comes from the core of the relationship between the Son and his people. Submission here is not a term to infer that women need to bow down to the rule of their husbands but that they are to respect them as the head (v. 33), and to allow them to lead the family in the same way Christ leads the church. This also means that husbands, as the scripture says, need to love their wives as Christ loves the church laying our lives down for our wives (v. 25). Paul makes this comparison about us loving our wives as we love ourselves because no one neglects and hurts their own body; this means that we should be taking care of our wives, nourishing them and lifting them up and keeping them fed in the word and keeping them clean for the ultimate bride groom, Christ. This is the true meaning of marriage between a man and a woman, that the man should lead as head and lay his life down in love for his wife and that she would submit and respect him as the head allowing him to lead her in the way of truth and love. They should become one flesh, and nothing shall ever separate this wonderful relationship bond that God has presented since the beginning of the earth and will continue all the way through the end (Rev 19:7-9).
Part 2: Divorce and Remarriage
If marriage is something that was created before the fall, held high as something never to be broken, and with high expectations to be held sacred and in honor, why would we need to even bring up divorce? Do you remember what happened at the fall of man? How did our sin curse us? Gen 3:16-19 says
16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” 17 And to Adam he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; 18 thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. 19 By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”
We see here that marriage is forever damaged by the sin of Adam and Eve; in verse 16 we see that split we spoke about earlier where there is a constant battle that will happen because of the very sin they committed. When Eve made the decision to eat the forbidden fruit and gave it to Adam to eat, she stepped into an ungodly headship, and he stepped into being the helper. It is because of this that marriage is cursed to be this tug-of-war between husband and wife (Ortlund, 2016, p. 48). This is why divorce even exists, we are, in our own right, constantly at odds with each other, but this is not God’s desire for us, and I will break down how we are to understand God’s vision of divorce and if it should even be permitted.
Merriam-Webster defines divorce as “the action or instance of legally dissolving a marriage” (“Definition of divorce,” n.d.). We know that it is not the desire of God that any marriages would be dissolved but the Bible does seem to allow it in a few instances throughout the Old Testament, so why is this? Deuteronomy 24, verse 1, talks about if a man marries a woman and “she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her” then he is allowed to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away. This is an interesting passage because it sets the scene for a lot of what I will discuss in this section. First, let’s talk about what is happening here: there is an allowance for a man to divorce his wife but when he does it, he needs to give her a certificate of divorce which was for her protection so that her first husband is unable to take her back if she remarries someone else. There were specific reasons where someone was not able to divorce his wife, one of these is in Deut. 22 where it is saying if a husband claims that his wife had premarital sex when in fact it is proven that she did not then he must stay married to her and is unable to divorce her (Deut 22:13-21). Another instance is where a man rapes a woman and is forced to marry her, and this is because of the fact that this woman, out of no fault of her own, is no longer a virgin, which would make her unmarriable in the culture (Deut 22:28-29).
Two main schools of thought formed based on the teachings found in Deuteronomy 24. These included the House of Shammai, which believed you were only able to get a divorce for unchastity, meaning sexual indecency and the House of Hillel, which believed that you could divorce your wife for indecency in anything even so much as if she burnt your food (“Mishnah Gittin 9:10,” n.d.). This is the conversation going on in Jesus’ time debating as to which rabbinical way is the right way. When we jump into Matthew 19, we see in verse three that the pharisees want to test Jesus and ask if it is lawful to divorce for any reason, which is the key phrase here because it sets us up for the debate happening at the time (Matt 19:3). Jesus then starts in verse 4:
4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” (Matt 19:4-9)
We now see the true understanding that Jesus wants to convey which is that he doesn’t specifically side with either one but that there should be no divorce and that it wasn’t this way to begin with. We do see an exception given right away which is “except for sexual immorality” (Matt 19:9). We will break this down later, but I think the important thing here for most marriages in the Christian life is that you should not divorce your wife because if you do then when you remarry you are committing adultery and Matt. 5:31-32 adds that if you divorce and they remarry then you cause your spouse to commit adultery as well as the end of verse 32 which says “whoever marries a divorced women commits adultery” (Matt 5:31-32).
To summarize, we see that the Jesus is flipping the script and that there is no reason outside of sexual immorality that anyone should divorce his wife, even though Moses may have allowed it due to hardness of heart. The next question you may ask is what constitutes as sexual immorality? Based on the term porneia in the Greek for sexual immorality, this seems to mean sexual sin but not in a specific sense of any act but in the sense of anything that would ultimately be adultery in the marriage. Another thing we see in these passages is that remarriage after divorce specifically because of sexual immorality, is permitted in the eyes of Jesus (Matt 19:9). Some would stop here and say that this is the only grounds for divorce, but this would miss another crucial passage on the topic which is 1 Corinthians 7:15 which says “15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Cor 7:15).
1 Cor. 7 brings to light a whole different issue, but I will explain a little about why I think this still lines up with Jesus’ teaching. In verse 10 we see an affirmation of what the Lord has taught which is that husbands should not divorce their wives and if they do get divorced (of course beyond already given expectations) must stay unmarried and work to reconcile with their husband/ wife (1 Cor 7:10-11). Then he jumps into the next part but starts of by saying that this is Paul speaking for himself and from his own understanding because there is nowhere that Jesus specifically spoke about marriage between a believer and unbeliever (v. 12). Paul also does seem to believe that although these are from him and not Christ specifically, he does not view his words to be simply his opinion but that it is the spirit working through him (v. 40). Paul lays down in verse 12-14 that if you are both together and are happy to stay together then do not divorce as the unbelieving spouse is made holy through the believing spouse; simply meaning that the unbelieving spouse is more inclined to and is surrounded by holiness, not meaning that they are saved by this marriage as we see at the end of verse 15. But, in verse 15, Paul says that if the unbelieving spouse wants to separate to let it be so, because you, as the believing spouse, is called to peace (v. 15). This seems to clearly articulate a clear exception to the rule on divorce.
Some would take this verse and say because of the word used in verse 15 “in such cases” would open this up to more options than just the simple instance of desertion but also for other forms that cause desertion or cause such a terrible break in the marriage that it is not reconcilable (Wayne Grudem, n.d.). Wayne Grudem’s paper is long and thorough about this topic, but I do not believe we can infer that this passage would open the exception to abuse only because the phrase is plural instead of singular. For me to be true to the text I must believe and think we must all believe that scripture is clear as to what is an exception and what is not.
This may make you believe that abuse will never constitute a reason for divorce but that is not what I mean. This is of course a passage that speaks about what to do when an unbelieving spouse deserts you correct? Where else do we see instances of unbelievers, and maybe more specifically when someone in the church is considered an unbeliever? Matthew 18:15-17 says:
“15 If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (Matt 18:15-17).
What we see in this text is Jesus helping us to know how to handle church discipline when someone sins in the church. When that person through a series of steps is called to repentance and refuses, we are to consider them as an unbeliever, and they will be excommunicated from the church. What I am venturing to say about this passage in reference to 1 Corinthians 7:15 is to say that if a spouse, husband or wife, is abusing their spouse than they need to be called to repent and if they refuse through Matt. 18 process then in them being called an unbeliever, we can now start to consider the issue of divorce out of a forced separation by that unbelieving spouse who is refusing to reconcile what they are doing to their spouse.
This is a complicated issue and I think as a church it is important in any case of abuse of any kind that the church should separate the abused from the abuser for a time which can be inferenced from 1 Cor. 7:5, but this should be so that we can seek repentance from the abuser and reconciliation of the marriage, but if Matt. 18 is upheld and there is a forced desertion or the spouse just leaving because of this then I would believe that abused Christian spouse is free to be at peace.
Lastly, to add one more point to the question of remarriage, I believe that the only way remarriage is acceptable is when either the spouse dies (1 Cor 7:39) or when a divorce by biblical exception is done. So, what then do we say to those who have divorced and remarried under unbiblical reasons? Stay with your current spouse, Paul says in 1 Cor. 7:10 to stay married if you are married and does not give us any other clause to assert that this is only in a marriage that was entered into lawfully. Another point to be had is that in passages like Joshua 9, Joshua entered a covenant with the Gibeonites that was not a good one and was not counseled by God but even when the Gibeonites deceived Israel, God called them to keep their covenant (Josh 9). I believe we are called to stay with our current spouse and if you divorced for the wrong reason and have not remarried, then repent and seek reconciliation. The lord will forgive you. However, if you are in a new marriage than keep that covenant and do not divorce them.
To sum up my final thoughts, marriage is one of, if not the, most important relationships ever instituted by God in creation. Marriage was created before the fall and, although stained by sin, has continued to be commanded to be held in honor by all and not defiled (Heb 13:4). Because of sin, man and woman continue to be at odds with the original roles put into place and as a result we see many instances of divorce. Divorce, although something that should not be done, has exceptions that should be known which are sexual immorality and desertion of marriage by an unbeliever. It is important to understand that even though this is allowed in the New Testament under certain circumstances, it is not the heart of God for anyone to be divorced. Finally, for most believers, please stay married and fight to never separate. Even though there are exceptions to the rule, I still believe, even in sexual immorality, reconciliation may still be possible, and we should fight for that. The reason for sexual immorality is because of the pure violation of what God has commanded in passages like Ephesians 5 and therefore I believe Jesus allows this exception. May we continue to trust in the holy word of God to govern our lives and have authority over all things we do in this life and if the bible commands something to be held in honor, then we should do so.
References
Definition of divorce. (n.d.). Dictionary by Merriam-Webster: America’s most-trusted online dictionary. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/divorce
(n.d.). ESV Bible. https://esv.org
H8669 – tᵊšûqâ – Strong’s Hebrew lexicon (esv). (n.d.). Blue Letter Bible. https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/h8669/esv/wlc/0-1/
Mike Winger. (n.d.). Divorce and Remarriage. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2pC6ZikbYo&t=1697s
Mishnah Gittin 9:10. (n.d.). Sefaria: a Living Library of Jewish Texts Online. https://www.sefaria.org/Mishnah_Gittin.9.10?ven=William_Davidson_Edition_-_English&vhe=Torat_Emet_357&lang=bi
Ortlund, R. (2016). Marriage and the mystery of the gospel. Crossway.
Wayne Grudem. (n.d.). Grounds for divorce: Why I now believe there are more than two – Wayne Grudem. Wayne Grudem – Professor of Theology and Biblical Studies. https://www.waynegrudem.com/grounds-for-divorce-why-i-now-believe-there-are-more-than-two
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