As our Podcast Series on Marriage comes to an end we wanted to give a blog post summarizing our Top 10 Tips for a successful marriage. Now, first let me say there is no magic formula to make your marriage successful. However, we believe that applying these tips will help your marriage continuously improve. Remember in Part 1 of our Marriage Series: What is Marriage?, we defined marriage as the covenantal union between one man and one woman for life. It is important to start there when trying to build a successful marriage.
1. Put God First
It is so vital that nothing comes before God in your relationship with each other. You both should be working together to serve God and the purpose he has for you. You should also both be individually seeking God.
Know that your worth, value and fulfillment come from God and not your spouse.
When you rely on God for this you will be able to better serve your spouse even when they are lacking in their duties. No person is ever perfect and we cannot rely on them entirely to totally fulfill us. However, God is our perfect fulfillment.
2. Know the Intended Purposes for Marriage
In Part 1 on our Marriage Series “What is Marriage?” (Ep 3) We discussed the following as God’s intended purposes for marriage:
- Procreation
- Companionship
- Mutual and Undefiled Pleasure
- Prevent Sexual Immorality
- It is a representation of the relationship between God and the Church
- It also serves as a way to make your partner more holy; both people should be pushing the other towards God
When you properly understand the purposes of marriage you know it goes way beyond a feeling. Yes, there is passion but sometimes passion can fade. When you are holding on to fulfilling the purpose God has given you for your marriage you can continue to have a strong marriage and press on through the difficult times.
3. Know What the Roles for Men and Women are in Marriage
As discussed in our Marriage Series Part 2 “Roles in Marriage” (EP 4) we hold a complementarian view. This means that while men and women are equal in value they have differing roles in life and especially within the family. When both people operate in their roles we believe the family is more blessed.
Children need their mother and father in the home. Both people offer so much value to a child’s life in ways that they other cannot offer.
When you know your roles you both can operate in them creating a balanced relationship where you both carry the burden of raising your family and taking care of your home.
Ephesians 5:22,25
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Wives are called to submit to their husbands as he should be the head of the house. He is called to lead your family. Husbands you should love your wife with the same sacrificial love that Christ loved the church with.
Your individual duties may look different than how we operate in our home, but the principle the the husband should lead the family spiritually and provide for the family should be evident. There are varying circumstances where this may not be possible like illness or disability. Please use Godly wisdom and do not feel condemned when reading this.
4. Decide if You Are Equally Yoked
2 Corinthians 6:14 says Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?
We talked about this in our Marriage Series Part 3 “To Marry or Not to Marry” (EP 5) We believe that if you are a Christian, you should be with someone who believes in Jesus and loves him. In order to have a successful marriage it helps if you are both on the same page spiritually. When you are on the same page it is easier to make decisions without arguing especially when it comes to faith matters. This especially effects your family when decisions about your children need to be made.
5. Go to Pre-martial Counseling
If you are not married yet and you are engaged we highly suggest pre-marital counseling. Talk to a pastor at your church, a christian counselor or a Godly couple who has been married for a long time that you look up to and trust. We went through this book Before You Say I Do by H. Norman Wright and it really helped us get on the right path before getting married.
6. Have Great Communication
Communication is so important. It even goes beyond just talking to each other. When you are married you become one and that means you both need to be able to be completely open with one another. I believe marriage is the one place you are able to be 100% vulnerable.
Here are some brief tips on healthy communication:
- Talk about what is bothering you
- Discuss expectations
- Discuss wants and needs
- Do not say “im fine” or “im okay” or “its whatever” or “do what you want”
- Say what you mean
- Plan out your week so you both know what to expect with each other
- Take time away to plan out your goals together
There are so many things to say here but i’m only going to emphasize “Say What You Mean.” Do not beat around the bush or just imply how you are really feeling. The other person may never get it and this will just build resentment and bitterness in your own heart. Say what you really mean even if it’s something small.
7. Be Sacrificial with Your Love and Service
This is a huge one. Philippians 2:3 says, Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
This is true even in your marriage. Love each other above yourself. Serve the other no matter how they treat you. Do this as an obedient act towards Christ. As you both love and serve each other humbly out of obedience you will have a much happier marriage.
8. Seek Godly Counsel
When problems arise, big or small, seek Godly counsel. Go to a christian counselor, a pastor, or a godly couple you love and trust. This is not the place to run to social media with your problems. When you run to social media you can always find someone to support your narrative even if it is not healthy advice. So seek godly counsel when problems arise to help your marriage grow.
9. Do Not Go Into Debt for Your Wedding
As discussed in our Part 4 of the Marriage Series: Spend $1000s on Your Wedding? (EP 6) Do not go into debt planning your wedding. Save money and plan to spend only what you can afford. Do not let culture tell you that you need an extravagant wedding that you cannot afford. God doesn’t want you to be slave to the lender. You can have a beautiful wedding that you can afford.
10. Work On Finances Together
This goes hand in hand with communication. Being completely open with one another includes your finances. I suggest having a joint account but if that is not possible you both should be open with all that is going on with your finances. Do not hide money from each other and talk about your budget together.
In our household I stay at home and Austin works. We have a joint account and I actually make sure the bills get paid but we talk weekly about our budget and are very open with each other anytime we need to spend significant money. Austin doesn’t keep money from me and if I need/want something and we can afford it that I’m able to spend the money.
Overall, be unified in your decisions. Trust and love God above all. Seek Godly counsel and just be 100% open with one another.
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